


Weil er lacht, weil er lebt, du fehlst

by akwardcadabra



Category: Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, German Lyrics, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Long, M/M, Mourning, Other, POV Third Person, Song Lyrics, This Took Me Very Long To Write, Translations in Notes, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 14:50:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16642313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akwardcadabra/pseuds/akwardcadabra
Summary: Both of them had known that the little family they had formed with Claudia would have never outlasted the centuries. Even after everything had fallen into a routine, Louis knew that the foundation they had built their lives on was not strong enough to hold them up forever.---Or: Oftentimes Louis and Lestat get reminded of Claudia, as well as the loss and guilt they feel.Set to the Lyrics of "Mensch"





	Weil er lacht, weil er lebt, du fehlst

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own none of the characters nor the stories they originate from.  
> I also do not own the song or the lyrics, I used here.
> 
> This took me so long to write and it got really long. It was also kind of hard to write for me but I did it. I translated the lyrics in the note at the end (I even marked them with numbers).  
> Enjoy ^^

_‘Ich bau die Träume auf den Sand.‘_ [1]

 

Both of them had known that the little family they had formed with Claudia would have never outlasted the centuries. Even after everything had fallen into a routine, Louis knew that the foundation they had built their lives on was not strong enough to hold them up forever.

 

And unbeknown to him, Lestat was aware of this fact himself. While Louis tried to keep Claudia happy and unaware of this fact, Lestat had tried to force this foundation to harden enough to carry them forever –he had tried to bond them together as much as he could. Yet, he ultimately failed. A house that was built on a weak foundation, could not weather the storms of time.

 

_‘Und der Mensch heißt Mensch_  
_Weil er vergisst_  
_Weil er verdrängt_  
_Und weil er schwärmt und stählt_  
_Weil er wärmt, wenn er erzählt.‘_ [2]

  

Even after he and Louis had gotten back together, Lestat never talked about their past and tried to push every thought of Claudia away as far as he could. But Louis, being as sensible as ever, knew that he too thought of her sometimes.  
  


Once they had come across a little girl with blond, curly hair just like Claudia. She must have been crying for a while when they found her since her eyes were all red and her face was streaked with tears. And before Louis could react, Lestat all but instinctively knelt down next to her like he’d done when Claudia had been upset.   
  
/p>

“Why are you crying, darling? What is a little girl like you doing out all by herself this late in the evening?” He asked, looking at the girl.

 

“My mommy and I were at the park with our dog.” She sobbed, looking at the man above her. “And I lost her. I went to search for her but I can’t find her.“

 

Lestat nodded along to her story and then sat down on the bench next to her. “How about my friend and I help you find your mother?”

 

Louis eyed Lestat, weary of his intentions. “Lestat, do you think this is the best idea?”

 

“Yes, of course, Louis!” He exclaimed, standing up and looking at the other vampire. “Are you implying that I should just leave this poor girl all by herself? You know more than anyone else that there are bad people around here.”

 

The dark haired male sighed. Lestat was right. Just earlier this evening, after only being at the park for half an hour they had come across two people mugging a young woman. Obviously, they had fed on them. “Let’s just find her mother.“

 

Lestat nodded and held out his hand. “Come along, darling. We’ll find her in no time. I promise.“

 

“My mother said I shouldn’t go with strangers.“ The girl sniffled.

 

Louis finally let go of his suspicions and decided to go along with Lestat’s idea. “My name is Louis and that is Lestat. Now we’re not strangers anymore.” He smiled gently. “We’ll help you find your mother. Come along.“

 

The girl was still nervous but took Lestat’s hand to follow him. And within the next twenty minutes, they found the girl’s mother. She was crying heavily to another man. But when she caught sight of her daughter, she sighed in relief and ran over to hug her. After the ordeal was over and the mother had thanked the two of them, Lestat quickly walked to the exit of the park. Louis was confused but followed quickly.

 

“Lestat, wait up!” He called after his lover. “What’s the matter?”

 

The other man didn’t turn but simply kept walking until he reached their home. Louis had been hurrying after him. And finally, he managed to turn Lestat toward himself.

 

 _‘Und weil er lacht_  
_Weil er lebt_  
_Du fehlst.‘_ [3]

  

A few tears spilled from his eyes and cascaded down his pale cheeks before he wiped them away and gave Louis an exaggerated smile.

 

“You caught up to me.” He joked and Louis sighed in frustration.

 

“You miss her.” He said gently, grabbing Lestat’s hand. “I can understand that. I miss her, too and that little girl at the park looked an awful lot like her.”

 

Lestat looked as if he wanted to make a snarky comment but ultimately decided against it. Eventually, he sighed. “Why are you this good at figuring out how I’m feeling?”

 

“Experience.” Louis simply said before placing a hand on Lestat’s back and leading him inside.

 

 _‘Und der Mensch heißt Mensch_  
_Weil er irrt und weil er kämpft_  
_Und weil er hofft und liebt  
__Weil er mitfühlt und vergibt.‘_ [4]

 

Auburn hair was being blown by the breeze as Lestat and Louis walked alongside Armand. It was a cold night and Armand had persisted on them accompanying him. Louis couldn’t help the slight pang of hurt he felt when he saw Armand approaching them. He had long since forgiven Armand for what happened; not for the sake of the other vampire but for his own sake. It was simply too tiring and hurtful to hold onto his anger anymore. He was tired of being hurt and angry all the time.

 

“Louis, are you listening to anything we said?” Armand asked him and Louis snapped out of his thoughts.

 

It was then that he noticed he had stopped walking. Armand and Lestat had already walked a few steps ahead of him and had then turned around. Then he realized what he was staring at.

 

It was the window of an old shop that sold dolls and plush animals. And he was staring at a little doll, her hair blond and her dress a beautiful blue colour. Claudia would have liked the doll or she would have at least pretended to for his sake, even if she hadn’t had a use for them as she got older.

 

Lestat was the first one to get closer to Louis and then he himself stopped to look at the doll before slowly looking back at the other man. “Are you thinking of her?”

 

Louis merely nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

 

“She would have liked her. It looks a lot like one of her favourite dolls. Do you remember the one we got her for Christmas? It looks exactly like that doll.” Louis could hear the hint of sadness in his partner’s voice and he himself mirrored that sadness.

 

“Yes, she would have liked it.” He finally said. “Do you want to keep going?”

 

Lestat had to stop himself from crying when he heard the sad gentleness in Louis’ voice. Louis had always been gentle even if he was terribly devastated. And this softness that always managed to break through his mourning was so beautifully melancholic that it was hard for anyone around to bear.

 

“Yes, we should keep going.” Lestat said before taking Louis’ hand and dragging him away from the window. “There’s no use in standing in front of this shop for the duration of the night.”

 

Louis nodded and let himself be pulled away. His eyes lingered on the doll until it was out of sight and he heard the laughter of Claudia ringing through his head. And he could remember her happiness when she was still young and her eagerness to learn new things.

 

Suddenly he realized that he was holding onto Lestat’s arm very tightly, almost supporting himself on the other vampire. Lestat was eying him through his peripheral vision while Armand was watching him, seemingly unable to figure out what to do.

 

“Do you want to go home?” Lestat asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I’m quite alright.” Louis said though he was sure that both of them could see the shining layer of red that had overtaken his eyes, as he desperately tried to not let the tears slip down his face.

 

And as they continued down the streets that they had walked centuries prior, Louis couldn’t help that his thoughts still lingered on Claudia’s laughter that he missed so dearly.

 

 _‘Und weil er lacht_  
_Und weil er lebt  
__Du fehlst.‘_ [3]

 

It was indeed laughter that seemed to be his undoing. And contrary to what one might think, it wasn’t the laughter of children that saddened him –it wasn’t the reminder of what Claudia used to sound like.

 

His own laughter and joy oftentimes brought along a deep guilt. Louis often questioned how he could dare to laugh at Lestat’s humour or smile at the stories he told when Claudia could never do so again.

 

During some nights, he felt so terribly guilty that he allowed himself happiness when his Claudia was not here anymore to be able to experience such joy.

 

It was a night like this one. Armand and Lestat had been talking back and forth to one another and when the latter had joked about a pair of men they had come across, Louis had dared to laugh at the joke. Armand did laugh about it as well, but still, Louis felt terrible about laughing at Lestat’s joke. The whole world could laugh along with them and Louis would feel that terrible sense of guilt gnawing at him.

 

“I think I’ll head back home. Lestat, you can still stay out if you want to.” He eventually said and both Lestat and Armand looked up at him.

 

“Why?” Armand asked bluntly.

 

“I’m not feeling like spending more time outside tonight. I’d rather go home. But don’t let me stop you from staying outside longer.” He said gently.

 

Lestat merely shook his head. “No, I will join you.” He stated quickly. He had known Louis long enough to know the tale-tell look of guilt on his face. “We can spend time with Armand another night.”

 

The auburn-haired vampire simply shrugged with his left shoulder. “If you wish to go home, you’re free to do so. No one is stopping you. I will simply spend the rest of the night with Daniel.”

 

With that, they departed and Lestat hastily hooked his arm into Louis’. “Mon chéri, what seems to be bothering you? I thought we had passed a nice night.”

 

Louis couldn’t help but sigh sadly. “I ruined the night, I know.” He refused to meet Lestat’s gaze as they slowly walked down the dimly lit streets. “I don’t know if I want to tell you why I felt like leaving.”

 

“You saw me cry a few weeks ago.” Lestat mumbled. “You remember? After we helped that girl in the park?”

  
“Yes, I remember. Alright, I suppose I should tell you.” Louis then turned his head to face Lestat. “Do you feel guilty that you sometimes laugh and enjoy your life when Claudia can never do so again?”

 

That caught Lestat off-guard and Louis knew it did because the blond went rigid for a few seconds before quickening his pace. “Isn’t that a common sensation for people who are mourning? Don’t a lot of people feel as though the should not start to move on and enjoy life when someone else is dead.”

 

“That was surprisingly insightful.” The other male said, genuinely surprised. “I didn’t know you actually cared that much about what’s upsetting me.”

 

“Now you’re doing me wrong, Louis.” Lestat shook his head. “Of course I care about you. Why would you think that I don’t?”

 

Louis decided not to answer and simply kept walking until they reached their home. Then he turned to Lestat. “I’ll be inside now. As I said –you don’t need to come back inside with me.“

 

The blond shook his head, grinning lightly. “I promise that I will distract you.”

 

“Not like that, Lestat. Not tonight.”

 

“That was not what I meant. You have such a naughty mind, Louis.” He shook his head then. “But no, I was thinking about maybe sitting in the living room, listening to music and simply letting you be near me.”

 

“I would like that.” Louis nodded.

 

 _‘Und der Mensch heißt Mensch_  
_Weil er vergisst_  
_Weil er verdrängt_  
_Und weil er schwärmt und glaubt_  
_Sich anlehnt und vertraut.‘_ [5]

 

Christmas time was always hard for Louis, especially when Lestat decided on a whim that they should go to the Christmas market. A tradition that he was sure had originated in Germany and was now incorporated in the festivities of other countries. He never paid much attention to it until such a market had begun to set up near their home.

 

He had to admit it was quite nice. The little wooden booths and the many Christmas lights created a peaceful and cozy atmosphere. Now that the days were shorter they could even manage to go to the market when the booths and carousels were still open.

 

Louis kept walking around the streets, looking at the little trinkets and handmade crafts, people sold while Lestat was holding onto his arm. The other people passed them, chatting, drinking hot chocolate and mulled wine. Everything seemed so oddly peaceful. Yet, Louis couldn’t help the sad feeling in his chest at the mere sight of someone showing their child the wonderful ambiance.

 

When they passed a carousel, he heard children laughing and had to turn his face away to avoid getting sucked into this terrible feeling. He still remembered the way Claudia’s face had lit up when they had taken her out for a walk in the snow.  Many passing couples had stopped and complimented her cute coat and hat before giving her chocolates and sweets.

  
She had just handed them to Louis, smiling happily. But as the years passed she had stopped looking forward to their walks around the Christmas time, had stopped leaving one of her little shoes at the door for St. Nicholas and had probably only gone along for Louis’ sake.

 

When he felt Lestat’s head rest upon his shoulder, Louis blinked a few times, banning these thoughts from his mind. Still, Claudia’s sad smile when she embarked on a walk with them, just to make Louis happy, was burned into his mind.

 

The pull of Lestat’s arm got harder and Louis’ head snapped to the side. “You do realize that I’m not your crutch, right?”

 

Lestat looked up at him and quickly looked back away, nodding. “I’m sorry.” He lessened the pull and simply rested his head on the other’s shoulder.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“I was just listening to the children’s choir and thought about the one year when we sat in the living room and listened to Claudia play Christmas songs.” He sighed. “I’m ruining the mood, aren’t I?”

 

Louis chuckled sadly. “You can take a guess at what I was thinking about.” He sighed. “I thought about her little shoes by the door and the first time we took her out on a walk in the winter.”

 

The blond nodded along and then heaved a dry laugh. “Do you remember her first snow? We spend hours outside with her. You complained about the biting wind.”

 

“Yes, I remember. But she was so happy, I couldn’t have stopped her fun. But it was really cold that year, wasn’t it?“ Louis smiled sadly as they round a corner to see the big Christmas tree. “All these lights are nothing compared to her happy smile on the first Christmas Eve we spend together.”

 

Lestat merely nodded and nestled his face into Louis’ neck. “Now I’m sad.”

 

“Do you want to go home?” Louis whispered softly.

 

“In a bit.” The other agreed. “Let’s just listen to the choir and watch the tree for a few more minutes.“

 

Louis felt a smile tug on his lips. At the very least, he could make Lestat happy this Christmas, even if it was just by staying a while longer. “As long as you want to.”

 

 _‘Oh, es ist schon ok  
__Es tut gleichmäßig weh.‘_ [6]

 

Crying would never solve a problem. Lestat was well aware of that, yet when Claudia’s birthday rolled around, he couldn’t help the deep, lingering feeling of guilt and devastation that came with it. He had tried to be strong throughout the whole day and he did even try to distract Louis, to get his mind away from their failure at watching over the girl when she was still around.

 

Still, in the end, it was Louis’ sadness that brought on the tears. After having tried to distract the other male, Lestat was now watching Louis leave with tears in his eyes and frustration in his voice.

 

“Do you not remember what day it is? Did she actually mean this little to you?” He had hissed at the blond before storming off.

 

And now Lestat was sitting in an armchair, holding onto the armrests as rivers of red cascaded down his face. He couldn’t stop it. It was truly horrendous to him to have this little control over his emotions. One might think that centuries of being alive would render someone able to control their emotions but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

 

No matter how quiet he tried to be, his crying apparently had evoked Louis’ concern as the other vampire started to show up.

 

“You are crying.” He stated, rather plainly.

 

“Yes, I am.“ Lestat mumbled, bringing his thumb to his cheeks to wipe the tears away. “This goes against your idea of me being indifferent to her birthday.”

 

Louis merely sighed, the guilt of having made Lestat cry adding to the terrible feelings that were brooding inside him. He would have to apologize if only to not trigger a fight.

 

“Lestat, listen.” He sat across from the other man. “I am sorry. Do you want to talk or something?”

 

Lestat looked at the other vampire for a few moments before getting up and walking up to the couch Louis’ was seated on. “I tried to distract you, you know?”

 

“You shouldn’t.” Louis shook his head and took hold of Lestat’s hand. “Sometimes the pain you feel makes you realize how happy something used to make you.”

 

“She hated me.”

 

Louis looked at the blond and sighed softly. There was no denying that Claudia had liked him more than Lestat and there was no denying the hatred she had felt for Lestat for making her what she was. Yet, Louis always thought that if they had just tried harder to be loving guardians to her, she would have been happier and maybe even able to love Lestat as much as she had loved Louis.

 

“We didn’t try hard enough to give her the love and support that she needed.” He eventually said. And it was the truth. Had they simply worked harder, things would have never ended this way.

 

Lestat shook his head. “We did our best, Louis.”

 

“Our best wasn’t enough, Lestat.”

 

 _‘Und der Mensch heißt Mensch  
__Weil er erinnert, weil er kämpft.‘_ [7]

 

Losing someone so dear to you hurts and Louis knew that. But every now and again, after episodes of terrible guilt and hopelessness at the mere thought of Claudia, he felt happy. It wasn’t a genuine happiness but it was as if his spirit was physically lifted up.

 

Because after the realization that he would never see her again passed, he felt glad to have been able to spend time with her. He had gotten to spend so many years with her, helping her, making her smile and being able to see her learn and grow.

 

He even felt as if Lestat was feeling the same, every time they had finished talking about how they took so much from this girl. After these conversations, they were able to talk about their memories with her.

 

 _‘Und weil er lacht_  
_Und weil er lebt  
__Du fehlst.‘_ [3]

 

Losing Claudia had hurt them both terribly but now –after so many years- they managed to look back at their memories with her and be thankful. It wasn’t often that they had to comfort each other over her, but it became more frequent that they talked about her when something reminded them of the girl.

 

And being able to see past the pain of loss to focus on the happy memories you had with a person, can feel relieving. Death will always be painful, especially if you let someone inside your heart. But the knowledge that you shared beautiful moments with them and that you managed to lighten up their life just as they did to yours, can outweigh this pain if only a little.

 

In the end, it is better to risk the pain of loss than to never let anyone into your heart. And Louis knew this to be true.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:  
> [1] ‘I build my dreams upon the sand.’ (to build something on a weak foundation)  
> [2] ‘And the human is called a human/ Because he forgets/ Because represses/ And because he raves and toughens/ Because he warms others when he tells stories.’  
> [3] ‘And because he laughs/ And because he lives/ You are missing.’  
> [4] ‘And the human is called a human/ Because he errs and because he fights/ And because he hopes and loves/ Because he sympathizes and forgives.’  
> [5] ‘And the human is called a human/ Because he forgets/ Because he represses/ And because he raves and believes/ Because he depends on others and trusts them.’  
> [6] ‘Oh, it’s quite alright/ It hurts consistently.‘  
> [7] ‘And the human is called a human/ Because he remembers and fights.’
> 
> I hope I managed to convey the meaning of the lyrics all the while managing to stay as close to them as possible. Also, I didn’t quite know how to translate ‘schwärmen’ other than ‘to rave’. It was the closest I got after looking it up.  
> Anyway, I hope this helps and I hope you enjoyed this story. ^^


End file.
